John Edwards must go away

I'm watching Edwards' big confession tonight on Nightline and once again I find myself shouting at the television. I don't think I've done that since... well, when did Edwards drop out of the presidential election?

Living in Iowa in 2007, I had a heaping helping of the former senator from North Carolina. He made me crazy as a V.P. candidate in 2004, he made me crazy as a 2008 presidential candidate, and now he makes me crazy as a confessed adulterer. He couldn't even admit to his extramarital affair without squinting into the cameraand expaining that he's the humble son of a millworker. WE KNOW!!

He. Makes. Me. Crazy.

So, if you're not following this story, I envy you but I will fill you in. The National Enquirer has been reporting since late last year that Edwards had an affair with a woman named Rielle Hunter. He's been dismissing it as tabloid trash all along, but he finally came clean in an interview with Bob Woodward tonight on Nightline. Interesting timing. Why would he decide to confess on this night of all nights? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the entire world is focused on Beijing right now? He's a smarmy dude, but I give him extra smarminess points for coming clean the night of the opening ceremony for the 2008 Olympic Games. In a slow news period, this thing would be the lead story everywhere, but for the next few weeks it will briefly follow news of gold medals and China.

Of course this is how it should be; Edwards isn't a politician anymore, he's just a loser from NC who tells lies and runs for office every four years. (I'm not judging him, by the way. He did not win those elections, he is by definition a loser; and he admits to being a liar.) So, I'm happy that I won't have to hear every excruciating detail of his affair for the next few weeks. I think his wife Elizabeth is a phenomenal woman. I've always liked her, even before it was announced that she was dying of Cancer. I don't "sympathy-like" her, I "like her-like her." I've just never been able to understand why she's with him. Even more so now.

Edwards was so ridiculous in the interview tonight. In true Edwards fashion, he explained his humble upbringing and apologized for making a mistake. He's confessed to Elizabeth, he's confessed to God, and he takes full responsibility. Finally. On the same night as the Olympics. What a good man. Right? (wrong!)

It's none of my concern if John Edwards is an even bigger jerk than I thought. If he wants to cheat on his wife as she dies from Cancer, that's between him, her, and God. It's no shock that another politician has been caught in a lie; but if the man is going to come clean on national television, it would be nice if he could do so without surrounding his confession in more lies.

As he explains it, he had an affair with this woman in 2006, his family knows about it, and her infant son is not his and he'd be thrilled to take a paternity test to prove it. (that's 1, if not 2 lies right there.) But, he explains that he had the affair in 2006, confessed to Elizabeth, she forgave him, and that's it.

Perhaps that's the truth, but it's a little confusing as to why his former lover was working on his campaign in 2007. I mean, she's that talented at producing YouTube videos that Elizabeth had no problem with him hiring jezebel for $100,000? That's... weird. That's also... bullshit. Almost as much bullshit as, "I don't know if that Enquirer picture is me or not... it looks like me, but it could be someone else holding some other baby."

One more point I find interesting, though it's not an original thought. One of the popular liberal bloggers was speculating on what would have happened if Edwards had received the nomination. She has a good point. If he had received the nomination and this came out, it would've derailed his campaign and give McCain a huge advantage. (side note, in the interview, Edwards managed to casually mention that McCain also admitted to an affair. Cheap shot. It was after he returned from Vietnam. I think most of us are less likely to begrudge a returning P.O.W. a few indiscretions.) If I was a Democrat, I'd be really pissed.

I've wasted enough time on Edwards. His faux sincerity never fails to annoy the living hell out of me, and once again he's driven me to yell at my TV and rant about him in print. I'm sorry that I've let him ruffle my feathers, and I'm sorry that his amazing wife married such a collossal dickhead. Really... I apologize. It's my fault that you had to read this, I take responsibility for posting it to my blog. (I'm looking at my computer screen with a squint that's supposed to convey sincerity. And my hair is flawless.)

Truly, America - I am sorry.

(p.s. I also did not inhale; and I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.)