Round Two: Washington Ovechkins vs. Pittsburgh Crosbys

Tonight I am all worked up about the Stanley Cup playoffs. Round one was the Washington Ovechkins vs. the New York Averys, now it’s the Crosbys vs. the Ovechkins in round two. Or that is what a casual observer may think.

If you are a casual observer or have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the superstar super scoop.

Sean Avery is a punk who plays for the New York Rangers. He started the season as a punk for the Dallas Stars but after making inappropriate comments that embarrassed the management and the entire NHL, he was suspended from the league, released by the Stars and banished to the minor league. A desperate Rangers team picked him up right about the same time they fired their coach and replaced him with John Tortorella. During the first round of the playoffs with the Rangers, the only thing the commentators could talk about was the loose cannon Avery.

Sidney Crosby is a girly hockey sensation who plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins. He was the number one overall draft pick for them in 2005 and he’s their team captain and resident douchebag. He has been an NHL darling before he was even eligible for the draft, all eyes have been on him. The problem with him is that he knows all eyes are on him & uses a dramatic flair to try and draw penalties from his opponents. He such a superstar that his linemates often serve as his entourage when trouble starts. I have seen him fight and it is not pretty. There are some areas of the anatomy where you just don’t hit another man, no matter the circumstances. I have seen Sidney Crosby break the guy code on this one. I could go on but you get the idea. I am not a fan.

Alexander Ovechkin. What to say about the Great 8? He plays for my team and I’m afraid this is blasphemy around these parts, but I can’t help myself. I don’t like Ovechkin. He is also a superstar NHL darling but I will give him the credit that unlike Crosby, Ovie fights his own battles. Actually, I would say he is the opposite of Crosby in some ways. When someone messes with Crosby on the ice, the rest of his team comes to his rescue. On the Washington Capitals, when the other team messes with any of his teammates, Ovechkin will come to their rescue. I give him a lot of credit for that because when he is on the ice, all eyes are on him. Unlike Crosby, he appears to use his powers for good rather than evil (or whining, as the case may be.) Unfortunately, Ovechkin is like Crosby in that he is a product that the NHL is selling. People don’t come to watch the Washington Capitals play, they come to see Alex Ovechkin score an acrobatic goal and slam himself up against the glass. He is always at the top of the league stats. He scored 56 goals this season, more than any other player. This certainly makes him a standout, but he also had more shots on goal than anyone else in the league. With 528 shots on goal, that puts his shooting percentage at 10.6%, that makes him #155 in the NHL rankings. On his own team, he is behind Semin, Fleischmann, Green, Backstrom and Laich. 528 shots on goal is a hell of a lot of scoring attempts. The second highest number of shots on goal in the NHL was Eric Staal with 372. Ovechkin made 156 more attempts than the second highest player, and Staal played 3 more games than Ovechkin did. Ovie will take any opportunity he sees to score and don’t get me wrong, that is a good thing. You can’t score if you don’t shoot the puck. At the same time, it explains why he is such a phenomenon. Perhaps some of it is raw talent, but he works very hard, he’s an intense player and when you take that many shots on goal, you always end up with the amazing shots that miraculously cross the line. The lucky bounces, the strange angles and pushing the puck while he’s sliding on his face – they all end up on the highlight reels so that everyone can gush about what an amazing player he is. Having watched him all season, I am not as fascinated as everyone else seems to be. I have seen how hard he works for the empty net goals to pad his stats. I’ve seen him cherry pick when Backstrom and Semin set him up with perfect assists. I have also seen him steal a hat trick from Brooks Laich by taking an empty net goal in a 3-1 game against Toronto. Two of those three goals were Laich’s. That annoyed me greatly. Brooks Laich is one of my favorite players. He always gives 100% and is always a solid player. He and Nick Backstrom are two of the most consistently good players I have seen. We have a lot of talent on our team and some of the players who bring the most to the team are ignored next to the blinding glow of Ovechkin’s popularity. It’s not just those two either, we have an immense amount of talent on our team but if you are only listening to the commentators, game recaps and news stories you would think that Ovechkin was the only one who showed up to the game. Same goes for the Penguins and Crosby. How many casual hockey fans outside of Pittsburgh know who Evgeni Malkin is?

While I am not a fan of Ovechkin, I can not deny what he brings to my team. He is a great player and a popular player. The problem is not what he brings to my team, but what he takes away from it. 90% of the Capitals merchandise you see on the market has the number 8 or the name Ovechkin on it. The Verizon Center is packed with #8 jerseys and crowds shouting “MVP! MVP!” every time Ovechkin scores a goal. He is undeniably talented and no matter what team he was on, he would be an MVP nominee as he is this season – the same award he won last season. I am glad that the Capitals are selling out every game, and I am glad we have made it through the first round of the playoffs. I hope we go much further. But if we do, it will not be because Alexander Ovechkin singlehandedly played forward, defense and did some goaltending during the line changes. It will be because the Washington Capitals are a talented team with a brilliant coach who benched our dead-weight goalie before it was too late.

Give credit where credit is due, and as long as my team is in the playoffs, I will be cheering for the Capitals, not the Ovechkins. (And most certainly not the Mike Greens. Don’t even get me started on that!!!) It takes a solid team effort to win the Stanley Cup and if there is one standout player to take your team to the championship, it is never a forward, it is the goaltender. The Caps have an impressive new goalie but he doubled his NHL games played during the playoffs. We don’t yet know what he can do. On solid team efforts, I go with Boston Bruins and Detroit Red Wings for the Stanley Cup finals. When it comes down to goaltenders, I say Boston takes home the cup this year.

I hate to admit when I’m wrong, but I would love to see the Caps make me do it!

[Photo by Jason Cohn - Reuters]

Can the debates get any more depressing?

Less than 20 minutes into the final (thank heavens!) debate and I'm thoroughly depressed. It's not only because I keep hearing the same nonsense the candidates have been uttering for a year, but now they're stressing their point by talking about "Joe the plumber." They've made up some hypothetical voter to demonstrate how well they relate to the regular hard-working folks in this country. See? They're not elitist, they're looking out for Joe - who happens to be a plumber by trade.

Not only is this really dumb and unconvincing, it's making me very sad. My Grandpa's name was Joe. He was a plumber. He passed away and I miss him. I'd much rather be watching football or Matlock with him right now than listening to these two clowns. This presidential horserace has already made me long for happier days without the reference to Grandpa. I'm telling you right now, if they start to argue about a metaphorical Dog named Daisy, I may slit my wrists.

Can we start over?

I'm watching the Presidential debate and I was ready to turn it off after exactly 13 minutes. Every time Tom Brokaw asks a question they answer with, "Well, my opponent said..." I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear about how afraid we should be if the other guy gets elected. I don't want either one of them running my country. Can we just wipe the slate clean and start over with some real nominees? These people - John McCain and Barack Obama - are a joke. Sarah Palin is a punchline, McCain and Obama are a joke. The joke is on us my friends! And when I say, "my friends" I mean that if McCain keeps saying that phrase I'm going to scream. Ditto for Obama starting his sentence with "Look..."

Both of these candidates sound like children.

adult: "Barry, did you break the neighbor's window?"
child: "But Johnny broke the whole door!"
adult: "Johnny, did you break the door?"
child: "But Barry's going to raise your taxes and meet the repairman without preconditions!"

Years in Alaska are counted in dog years

McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin as running mate was a brilliant political move. Since the announcement on Friday, the media has been consumed with her. That’s no small task either; she was up against a hurricane and an entire Republican Convention. This is the first time in this election season that I have heard more news about McCain’s campaign than Obama’s. The fact is, McCain by himself is stale. He’s been a high profile figure for so long that the public is over their courtship with him. His story is incredibly compelling; he was a P.O.W. from a military family, a political maverick, and a seemingly decent guy. But we have his resume memorized by now. It’s no wonder how easily Obama has swept the nation, his political career launched past Hillary Clinton and a bland bunch of white guys. Obama is new and interesting; we’re just getting to know him. The world is still in the honeymoon stages with Obama, McCain seems like an elderly divorcee.

So when the elderly divorcee shows up with an attractive young woman on his shoulder, we are all spellbound.

While it is admittedly sexist to paint the McCain/Palin ticket in this light, it’s fair because it matters that she’s a woman. There’s any number of pro-life conservatives that McCain could’ve chosen to satisfy the Republican base. Sarah Palin doesn’t just satisfy the base, she electrifies them! Not only does she have a compelling story, her story invokes the very issues that Republicans are passionate about. She and her daughter have both suffered through difficult pregnancies with a strong pro-life message, and her political battles show her as a reformer. Every time her name is brought up, it is an affirmation of conservative beliefs. The Republican Party has sorely needed a new image, and McCain has not only found a new champion for Republicans, he may have found the first female Vice President. The Republicans love her, and they have every reason to. Sarah Palin was clearly the right political choice for the Republican ticket, but there is one thing I’ve failed to mention in this lengthy explanation.

None of it matters.

Certainly it matters when it comes to winning an election, but in a year where their slogan is “Country First,” have the Republicans chosen their most competent members to lead the country?

The answer is no, and neither have the Democrats.

Sarah Palin and Barack Obama have captured the media spotlight and the nation’s attention. Neither one of them is a confident choice for a nation sorely in need of leadership. I will at least give the Republicans credit over the Democrats for putting experience at the top of the ticket. I will give the Democrats credit for putting Joe Biden on the ticket at all. I am a fan of Senator Biden, but did not expect him to be chosen as V.P. The Democrats have treated Biden as a liability. The average person knows more about his gaffes than his political positions.

Palin and Obama are both inexperienced and partisans will argue that their candidate’s experience is relevant while the opponent’s is useless. I’d like to appeal to both sides and ask: Can we just stop pretending it matters?

The media tells us who to pick, just as they tell us what issues are important – Iraq, the economy, gas prices – they always let us know when and how to panic. So, let’s just drop the conversation about who is ready to lead, who is the best choice for V.P., and who has the most relevant experience. Let’s just have a couple of debates between the candidates, find out how many homes they own or how much their shoes cost, and in November the media can tell us who to vote for.

I have watched both conventions and one thing is clear; this election isn’t about what’s best for the country, it’s about winning. The media wants to win ratings, the political parties want to win the White House, and in the end we all lose. Certainly this is how political elections have worked for many years, it's not a new concept; but after watching two weeks of bitter partisanship I have a hard time seeing a light at the end of this tunnel on either side.

Change you can't believe in

I moved to D.C. the day after graduation. This jar is one of the many things on my to-do list that remained undone. It's silly to haul 10 lbs. of spare change across the country in a moving truck, but today something even more ridiculous happened. I'm finally short enough on cash to take this heavy haul to the bank; now I'm back from the bank but I still have the jar of change. Is it because I like to carry heavy bags around town? Is it because I hate my back and I'm deliberately trying to break it? No. I still have the money because the bank refused to take it.

Apparently the bank of America won't cash in spare change for their customers unless it's in rolls. The teller apologized and offered me some empty rolls to fill in my spare time and bring them back. She also gave me the other option of having it sent somewhere off-site to be counted for a $5 charge. Maybe it's just the branch near my apartment (3 excruciating blocks away) or maybe Bank of America is just too big to deal with spare change. The question is, what do I do with it now? Use it to buy groceries? Sell it on eBay?

I've never been to a bank that didn't have a machine on-site to count change. Usually it's free for customers and a couple of bucks for everyone else. I pondered this as I walked home (between whimpers of "Ouch - my back!") Is this just a Midwestern thing? How presumptuous of me to bring money into my bank and expect them to just put it in my account.

John Edwards must go away

I'm watching Edwards' big confession tonight on Nightline and once again I find myself shouting at the television. I don't think I've done that since... well, when did Edwards drop out of the presidential election?

Living in Iowa in 2007, I had a heaping helping of the former senator from North Carolina. He made me crazy as a V.P. candidate in 2004, he made me crazy as a 2008 presidential candidate, and now he makes me crazy as a confessed adulterer. He couldn't even admit to his extramarital affair without squinting into the cameraand expaining that he's the humble son of a millworker. WE KNOW!!

He. Makes. Me. Crazy.

So, if you're not following this story, I envy you but I will fill you in. The National Enquirer has been reporting since late last year that Edwards had an affair with a woman named Rielle Hunter. He's been dismissing it as tabloid trash all along, but he finally came clean in an interview with Bob Woodward tonight on Nightline. Interesting timing. Why would he decide to confess on this night of all nights? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the entire world is focused on Beijing right now? He's a smarmy dude, but I give him extra smarminess points for coming clean the night of the opening ceremony for the 2008 Olympic Games. In a slow news period, this thing would be the lead story everywhere, but for the next few weeks it will briefly follow news of gold medals and China.

Of course this is how it should be; Edwards isn't a politician anymore, he's just a loser from NC who tells lies and runs for office every four years. (I'm not judging him, by the way. He did not win those elections, he is by definition a loser; and he admits to being a liar.) So, I'm happy that I won't have to hear every excruciating detail of his affair for the next few weeks. I think his wife Elizabeth is a phenomenal woman. I've always liked her, even before it was announced that she was dying of Cancer. I don't "sympathy-like" her, I "like her-like her." I've just never been able to understand why she's with him. Even more so now.

Edwards was so ridiculous in the interview tonight. In true Edwards fashion, he explained his humble upbringing and apologized for making a mistake. He's confessed to Elizabeth, he's confessed to God, and he takes full responsibility. Finally. On the same night as the Olympics. What a good man. Right? (wrong!)

It's none of my concern if John Edwards is an even bigger jerk than I thought. If he wants to cheat on his wife as she dies from Cancer, that's between him, her, and God. It's no shock that another politician has been caught in a lie; but if the man is going to come clean on national television, it would be nice if he could do so without surrounding his confession in more lies.

As he explains it, he had an affair with this woman in 2006, his family knows about it, and her infant son is not his and he'd be thrilled to take a paternity test to prove it. (that's 1, if not 2 lies right there.) But, he explains that he had the affair in 2006, confessed to Elizabeth, she forgave him, and that's it.

Perhaps that's the truth, but it's a little confusing as to why his former lover was working on his campaign in 2007. I mean, she's that talented at producing YouTube videos that Elizabeth had no problem with him hiring jezebel for $100,000? That's... weird. That's also... bullshit. Almost as much bullshit as, "I don't know if that Enquirer picture is me or not... it looks like me, but it could be someone else holding some other baby."

One more point I find interesting, though it's not an original thought. One of the popular liberal bloggers was speculating on what would have happened if Edwards had received the nomination. She has a good point. If he had received the nomination and this came out, it would've derailed his campaign and give McCain a huge advantage. (side note, in the interview, Edwards managed to casually mention that McCain also admitted to an affair. Cheap shot. It was after he returned from Vietnam. I think most of us are less likely to begrudge a returning P.O.W. a few indiscretions.) If I was a Democrat, I'd be really pissed.

I've wasted enough time on Edwards. His faux sincerity never fails to annoy the living hell out of me, and once again he's driven me to yell at my TV and rant about him in print. I'm sorry that I've let him ruffle my feathers, and I'm sorry that his amazing wife married such a collossal dickhead. Really... I apologize. It's my fault that you had to read this, I take responsibility for posting it to my blog. (I'm looking at my computer screen with a squint that's supposed to convey sincerity. And my hair is flawless.)

Truly, America - I am sorry.

(p.s. I also did not inhale; and I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.)