Where did July go?

Is it just me, or did there used to be a month between June and August? I remember it was called July and it was a fairly long month - one of those with 31 days. What ever happened to July? Did we skip it this year? It seems like it was just a month ago that I was freaking out at work over a huge project due on the first week of June. Now my calendar is telling me that Sunday is August 1st. Am I being punk'd? Did I buy a faulty calendar? Seriously, what happened to July?

I know this happens every summer. We say things like, "Summer went by fast this year" or "I don't remember it being this hot last year" or "Can you please remove your stroller from the top of my foot?" Oh no, wait - that last one is what I said this morning on the Metro train. It's tourist season again in DC!!

I wish I could tell you that the reason I haven't updated my blog much lately is because I'm living a super-exciting life in the fast lane. Well, I guess I could tell you that, but it would be a lie. It's quite the opposite, actually. I recently sat down and went over my budget and realized I've been living above my means. I am grateful to have a reliable source of income during these troubled times, but I recently took a good hard look at the bottom line and had to admit: it's time to come to terms with my student loan debt. It was much easier to defer the loans and ignore the interest statements. But it is a heavy weight on my shoulders and as long as I keep going out and spending money on other things, I'm always going to be carrying around the stress and pressure of debt.

I find myself in the same situation as many college graduates. The burden of student loan debt is incompatible with starting level wages. Add to that the fact that the last thing I want to do when I'm still young is to work hard and deny myself a social life so that I can make a dent in my loans. I think the grace period for student loans should be ten years before you even begin to pay them off. Of course this would kill you with the interest on them, but most college graduates still live like college students for several years after they get out of school. We eat the same ramen noodles, keep the same hand-me-down furniture, and most people I know that are a few years out of school still ask their parents for money. [note: As a general rule I do not ask my parents for money. That said: If my parents are reading this and wondering, I wouldn't turn it down if you offered.]

I am trying hard not to feel resentment toward my student loans and I would love to hear from anyone who has been through this and has stories to share about their experiences. I borrowed the money with full knowledge that I had to pay them back. I watched all the mandatory videos and read all the terms before I signed. I take responsibility and I am grateful for many things in life. I'm grateful for my current job security and I'm grateful that I was able to finish college and earn a degree. I realize that not everyone can say that. Now, I just need to figure out how to put it all in perspective and make a dent in my loans, pay the rest of my bills, and still maintain a social life. I was invited to a DC United game recently and I would have loved to go, but I had to decline the invitation. My standard answer is going to become, "I can't make it this time, but perhaps when I'm fifty..."

Keywords: Sharp, piercing, excruciating ear pain

When I sit down to write in this blog, I generally expect the readers will be my friends and family, or maybe some folks suffering from severe boredom. I'm always delighted to find out that someone new stumbles upon the blog randomly, but when I sit down to write, usually I expect it will be seen by a modest audience of a few regular readers. Well, tonight's blog is a little different. Tonight I'm writing for new people who are searching for the following keywords:
ear pain
sharp, piercing pain in ear
icepick stabbing sensation
excruciating ear pain
worse pain I've ever felt in my life
OMG my ear hurts so bad I want to curl up in a ball and cry
Will someone please tell me what the hell is causing the worst pain I've ever experienced!?!

Some time ago, I was having the absolute worst pain I have ever felt before or since. I had no idea what was causing it, and doctors could find nothing wrong. I spent hours on the internet trying to self-diagnose and found hundreds of things it could have been, but I didn't find any helpful information until I had talked to four different doctors and knew exactly what to type into a google search: TMJ

I went through hell trying to find out what was causing my pain. It would be accurate to describe it as feeling like someone is driving an icepick into my eardrum. Any time I would smile, chew, or move my mouth or ears in any way, spontaneous profanities would erupt from my mouth because the pain was so bad. I was actually worried when it happened at work because the stabbing pains would be so sudden that I couldn't help my outbursts. Imagine if you were to accidentally smash your fingers with a hammer, or slam them in a car door. Those words that would come out of your mouth... those were coming from me every time I smiled, coughed, or turned my head around too quickly. It was hell. And a recurring, unpredictable hell at that.

After a few episodes, I went to my doctor and he couldn't find anything wrong. He gave me some ear drops for the pain and said my ears looked fine. There was no sign of infection or any trace of what was causing the pain. He recommended I come back mid-earache so he could look while I was experiencing the pain. Of course, this always happened on evenings or weekends. He recommended an ear, nose & throat doctor for me to see. I made an appointment and the specialist said the same thing. Nothing looks wrong with my ears, come back when I'm having the problem.

The next time I had an earache was around 7:00 on a weeknight so I went to a Minute Clinic that was open until 8:00. I was about to pass out from the pain, but I walked my swearing self over to the clinic and had her look in my ears. Nothing. There was no sign that anything was wrong. Other than the tears streaming from my eyes and me talking through clenched teeth to try not to aggravate the pain. She prescribed me a different brand of ear drops and told me to go back to the ENT when I was experiencing the pain so they could take a closer look.

The ENT had me get a full CT Scan of my sinuses so they could see if that gave any evidence of what was happening. Again, there appeared to be nothing abnormal in the results. This went on for months. Twice a week I would feel a sudden pain in my ear and would have to lie as still as possible. I would lay down on my right side (it was almost always my left side in pain, but sometimes both.) Eventually I would pass out and fall asleep and the pain would be gone when I woke up. Usually. Sometimes I still felt a dull pain the next day.

Finally I had an earache in the afternoon, abandoned my job and headed for the ENT. I screamed as he looked in my ears because any movement to that ear would cause stabbing, excruciating pain. Even when I stepped off the curb, the motion from hopping down from the curb prompt a stabbing pain. He looked into my ears, I screamed like a banshee, he put down his instruments and told me everything looked fine. He could find nothing that could be causing me any pain at all, let alone the kind of pain that caused a scream that rattled the windows of his office. It was that point when he referred me to an Oral Surgeon because I may have Temporomandibular Joint Disorder: TMJ (or TMD.) He explained that the pain may feel like it's in my ear canal, when really it's in my jaw at the joint. In the neighborhood, but not even close to being the same thing.

As soon as he told me what may be causing the pain (and taught me how to spell it) I knew that's what was happening. The first painful episodes began after I had some extensive dental work, and I could connect the worst episodes to other activities that could cause a strain on the jaw muscles. Doctors had been poking, prodding and violating my ears, but could never see the problem because it was below the surface. That also explained why smiling or laughing would make things worse. Any time the joint moved, the pain would flare up again. It suddenly all made sense.

I was referred to an Oral Surgeon who asked some basic questions and took some x-rays. He said there could be treatment for the joint, but it was a last-resort measure. He put me on a diet of only soft foods for one month. Really soft. Ridiculously soft. I lived on mashed potatoes and applesauce for 30 days, suppressed my yawns, and basically did everything I could to keep my joints relaxed so they could recover. I kept my mouth shut for thirty days, and I am happy to say - it worked!

It's been a year and now that I know the source of the pain, I take extra caution not to put a strain on my jaw. I have gone to the Dentist three times since then and each time I reminded them of the TMJ and they let me rest my jaw so it's not open at full hinge the whole time. I don't chew gum, I don't eat anything that involves excessive masticating, and if I start to feel some pain coming on in that area, I immediately grab the ibuprofen to try and keep the pain at bay. In the last year I have had a bit of pain in the joint, but nothing like what I had been experiencing. Thank heaven for that because that kind of pain is intolerable, especially when it's as unpredictable as it was.

Other than the ibuprofen, it didn't take any surgery or drugs, but only a change in behavior to keep the worst pain imaginable from coming back. That is the reason I am writing this blog. I am not exaggerating when I say that I scoured hundreds of web pages, desperately trying to learn what could possibly be causing my intense pain. I found a few medical message boards, some of them were four years old, but most of the people writing about the symptoms were folks like me who were looking for a diagnosis - and then responses by people offering dozens of possible causes. I apologize to the regular readers if you've made it through this entire entry and feel like you're in a nursing home listening to people ramble on and on about their ailments. I know it's not interesting, but it's important to me. I needed to put my experience out on the web, just for the possibility that someone with the same symptoms may read this during a desperate google search like I performed so many times. Self diagnosis is not always recommended, but in this case all it took for me was to eat soft foods and relax my jaw to stop the most excruciating pain of my life. If you stumbled upon this blog because you were experiencing the same symptoms I was, reach for the mashed potatoes and applesauce for a while. Give your joint a rest for 30 days and if you see a remarkable improvement, you may have just learned something it took several months, numerous doctors, and too many incorrect diagnoses to discover.

DC Hawkeye on Ice

I love hockey. There are few things I love more than hockey, but I should clarify: There are few things I love more than watching hockey. I have never played hockey. Despite my predisposition toward anything involving humiliation and/or physical injury, I've never even strapped on a pair of skates. It's something I've wanted to do for years and have talked to friends about going out and doing, but it just never got done. Until today.

This time I didn't even try to sucker anyone into going with me, I decided to go to Kettler after work and find out what I'm made of.

The timing wasn't random, it was actually inspired by this article in yesterday's Washington Post Express about a hockey "skills & drills" class. The part that captured my interest was how they describe that the class "...takes anyone who can skate and teaches them how to hustle a puck." That sentence alone got me into a pair of rented ice skates 24 hours after reading. Having "learn how to skate" on my to-do list is one thing, but considering that to be the only thing standing between me and learning some mad puck-handling skills is another thing altogether. Learning to skate is no longer the goal, it's the annoying precursor to the awesomeness of me actually playing hockey someday. Heck, I play in a skeeball league, hockey is the next logical step, right?

So, a few hours after I read the article I began looking online for places that have beginners lessons on how to skate. There are a few places in the area, but it looks like my best bet if I want to start learning ASAP is in Rockville. They have a six-week class that began on May 15th, but I can still sign up having missed the first class. I was ready to do it, but I thought it would be best to head out to Kettler and find out exactly what I'm dealing with here. I mean, if I break my ankle during my first class, then I've wasted a lot of money! I want to know I'll be able to make it five weeks. Naturally, I headed out to Kettler so I could break my ankle tonight with less financial burden.

I didn't break the ankle after all, though I expect it will be a bit swollen tomorrow from all the wobbling.

This was a very difficult thing to do by myself. I knew that I could have found someone to go with me sometime this week, but I was on a mission. I had to do it today while I was making up my mind about the classes in Rockville. I arrived at the adult public skate as the Zamboni was resurfacing the ice. Then I watched a line of adults skate out onto the rink. Some were off to the side working on various skills, but most of them were skating laps around the ice. It was very much like the roller skating rink. Everyone skates in a circle at various speeds. I asked the girl at the skate rental counter, "I have never skated before. Would it be a horrible idea to go out there right now, never having any lessons, not knowing what I'm doing?" She thought it was a great idea. "You're never going to learn anything until you get out there." Damn her and her skating wisdom! I half wanted her to talk me out of it. She did the opposite of talking me out of it. She encouraged me.

Not only did the girl at the rental counter encourage me, but she was extremely helpful. She gave me some tips - told me to try figure skates first, rather than hockey skates. She showed me the different blades and explained how you have to balance your center of gravity differently on hockey skates and it's harder to do if you're skating for the first time. She told me not to try and use the toepick to stop, and then (bless her heart) when I told her my shoe size, she examined all of the skates to find a good, sharp blade. She told me where the lockers were and sent me on my way.

I was surprised at how well I stayed balanced on the skates, but that didn't stop me from clinging to the boards for dear life. I recognized one of the guys as a Kettler employee and asked him for pointers. He was so unimpressed with me. "I can't, I've got to watch the skate." I explain, "Oh no, I'm not asking you to 'show' me anything, I just don't know how to get started. How long of a stride I should take, how to lean, that sort of stuff. You don't have to show me, just tell me how to push off." He was unflinching: "Ehhhhh, I'm not an instructor." I was obnoxious: "But you know how to skate!" The best I could get out of him was that the instructors say to stride about the same as walking, and to hang onto the sides all the way around the rink if I have to. Thanks! I hope no shenanigans went on during the public skate while you took the time to talk to me!

I kid the skate supervisor, but I did heed his advice about hanging onto the sides. I stayed within an arm's length of the boards at all times. It was like training wheels. I'd get going for a while and then I would wobble and catch myself. I think the ice along the sides may have been harder to skate on because there were so many grooves already in the ice that I could feel myself skating in and out of divots, which made it harder to maintain my balance. In the endzones there were a lot of people working on various skills, so it was considerably more embarrassing to make my way around the corners because people had to get out of my way. It was pretty clear that I was going to keep my grip and was not going to go around them. (For their own safety, really. If they're standing between me and the ledge, I'm still gonna grab the closest thing to me when I lose my balance. Better to be the boards than them!)

I took a couple of laps and each time I was interrupting the same people who were camped out along the endzones. They were not hanging on for safety as I was, they were working with other people on specific skills. Two girls looked like they were doing some kind of ballet moves and using the ledge as a barre. They did not much care for my intrusions. In fact, many of the people looked annoyed as I made my laps. I came around the corners very apologetically and poking fun at myself while letting them know it was my first time. Everyone was accommodating and usually nice about it. It still didn't stop some people from scowling at me. I began to wish I had worn an eye patch, or something that would immediately make them feel sympathetic toward me or think that something was wrong with me so they would be more patient. If I had some deformity, or was wearing a head brace or neck brace or something, I think I would have gotten a warmer response from other skaters. I didn't have anything to outwardly evoke sympathy. I could never fake something like that and my actual physical shortcomings wouldn't have warmed anyone up to my strugles. For example, if I had skated by shouting, "Asthmatic, coming through" or, "Pardon me, I have irritable bowels" as I plowed through the arena. Nope, I'm just a regular person with regular problems, who just happens to not have a clue how to skate.

I took three good laps and it started to get easier until the Kettler employee who is not an instructor blew the horn and everyone began to skate the opposite direction. This was a game-changer. Up until then I felt like I was making progress with my right hand out to steady myself, grabbing the boards when I slipped up (which became less and less frequent.) When we switched directions, I had to use my left hand to catch myself, and that was much harder to keep steady. After one more lap I knew it was time to quit. If I sign up for lessons in Rockville, my first class will be this Saturday and I didn't want to push myself harder and put more strain on my poor ankles before then. Plus, the exasperated looks of the other skaters was beginning to make me feel self conscious. My Midwestern sensibilities recognized these two rules of thumb: Don't beat yourself up before you even begin, and don't wear out your welcome. It was definitely time to go.

I returned to the skate rental counter and my friend from earlier was at another counter talking to coworkers. I called her over and she asked if I was trading the skates for another size, I said, "No, I'm done. I'm turning them in." She said, "Oh. You can just leave them on the counter." I was hoping she would ask how it went and talk to me some more about how to get used to skating. Instead, she pretty much told me that I had called her over there for no reason. She was so over me. It was time to go.

I'm going to keep at it and eventually it will get easier and the wobbling will stop. After that, I'll move on to the new challenges of trying to learn how to handle a puck. It's times like this when I wish I could be a kid again. Trying new things is so much easier before we learn the concept of humiliation.



Sign in time: 8:02 p.m.



Sign out time: 8:25 p.m. That includes the time it took to rent the skates, get some pointers, and get a locker. I must have been on the ice only 15 minutes but it felt so much longer!

Photos from the 6th Annual Hockey Disabled Festival

I heard the Stanley Cup is leaving Laurel on Friday, so I made a last-minute trip to see it Thursday night. That was a fantastic decision. There were only a couple of games on Thursday, so it was nice to learn my way around The Gardens IceHouse before it's overtaken by crowds on Saturday. (P.S. As a hockey fanatic, I kind of loved it there and never wanted to leave.) Here are a few fun photos from the night.

I'm not sure what's going on here. It would appear that the NOVA Cool Cats mascot may also be the goalie coach. Is there anything that Catze can't do?

It was really cool to see the mascots walking around throughout the evening.

This is the Baltimore Saints mascot celebrating a goal.


Something I thought was really cool about the Gardens IceHouse. Upstairs they have a few seats that were taken from old arenas throughout the country and throughout the decades. According to the Certificate of Authenticity you see here, some were from the Detroit Olympia, the Home of the Detroit Red Wings from 1912 to 1970. They also had seats from Boston Gardens, Camden Yards, and former arenas to the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadiens.

Hockey changes lives

On Wednesday this week, I was pleasantly surprised to see one of my blog posts linked here, to the blog for the USA Hockey Disabled Festival. The blog is written by Mark Miller, the Communications Director for the American Special Hockey Association, and I would not even know about the Festival were it not for his diligent work in getting the word out about the Festival. I think that every blogger loves those little moments of validation where we have actual, solid proof that someone is reading what we write and we are not just spewing words randomly into the blogosphere for nothing. Getting any props from a humble blog like mine is a pretty great feeling, but the mention in the HockeyFest blog was more than just a general shout-out. For one brief moment, I felt like I was a part of something.

I have been looking forward to the 6th Annual Hockey Disabled Festival ever since I learned of its existence (admittedly, not terribly long ago!) I wrote about how much I enjoyed watching the U.S. Paralympic Games this year, and I have been telling everyone about the Festival in Laurel this weekend. The Paralympics, like the hockey games this weekend, are something that I feel not enough people are exposed to and (generally speaking) it falls under the radar of most of us as we go about our everyday life. This is something that frustrates me because I am so enthusiastic about sports, and feel so strongly about supporting disabled athletes. Professional athletes generally make a lot of money and they are always referred to as "role models" but I don't buy into that so much. I honestly don't know of any professional athlete who is more of a role model than someone like Joe Bowser, who lost his leg from an injury in Iraq, and will play for the USA Standing Amputee Team this weekend in Laurel. As he says in the interview in USA Hockey Magazine,

...you have to play with the cards they deal you. You have to adapt and overcome any kind of injury or disability you have and make the best of it.

and watching some of the players this weekend, you will see people who have not only learned to adapt and overcome, but persevere. Unfortunately, it really is something you have to see with your own eyes to understand how inspiring it is to watch these athletes at work. I have told so many people about the Festival and have had some people ask a few questions about it, but most people have no knowledge whatsoever of the Paralympics, or disabled sports... they have no idea what to expect. So, oftentimes when I tell someone about the Festival and invite them to go with me, they just don't seem to think it's going to be any fun. Many times, the response I receive is something to the effect of, "Aww, that's so nice that you're doing that!" When I hear that, I know that they don't get it. They just don't understand.

Many of the folks I've invited to the Festival seem to think it's something to do as a way to volunteer time and support, more so than a fun and exciting way to spend their weekend. This is the hardest thing to get through to people who haven't been exposed to this kind of sporting event before. While I'm sure that any athlete appreciates support and loves to hear a crowd cheering, providing applause is not the reason to go to Laurel this weekend; go to Laurel and catch a game this weekend because it is FUN! When I see the folks who play sled hockey, or watch the Paralympians compete, I feel strength. I feel hope. Life is full of challenges for everyone, and it's easy to let things build up and get you down. But when I see someone like Joe Bowser play... I know that everything is going to be alright. It helps me to meet my own challenges, and it puts things into perspective. I often get stuck in a rut. I go to work, I go home, I'm exhausted, I go to my second job on the weekends just to make ends meet... It's easy to feel like life is repetitive and exhausting, and we don't take the time to consider our sense of purpose. It's easy to get depressed. But like Joe Bowser says, you have to adapt and overcome. And when I consider how he has overcome obstacles that are unimaginable to me, and is such a role model for serving his country, hanging on to the sport that he loves, and working to improve the lives of others... it's a much-needed reminder that we all need to turn a bad situation into an opportunity and make it work. Watching people who have overcome obstacles greater than my own, and seeing them compete as more of an athlete than I will ever be... that is a truly moving, empowering experience.

If you are unable to make it to the Festival this weekend in Laurel, then please try and make it to your television set on Saturday afternoon. NBC will broadcast a 90-minute highlights show from the 2010 Paralympic Winter Games. If you can't make it to Laurel to meet the members of the gold medal winning sled hockey team, please take the time to watch them on television and see for yourself why this is such an uplifting, exciting thing to watch. It's more fun than you might think, but you'll never know until you try.

Tonight, I was able to convince a friend to go to Laurel for the first night of the Festival. The Stanley Cup was there, and he is a Capitals season ticket holder, so it wasn't so hard to convince him to make the trip. Although, I could see his shoulders slump a little bit when I told him that after getting our pictures taken with the Cup, I wanted to watch a couple games. He is a good friend and he indulged me as we went into one of the hockey rinks inside Gardens IceHouse. We showed up in the middle of a special hockey game and looked through the program to get a better idea of who we were watching and where they were from. After a while, he was getting into it, too. We had a great time! We were going to leave around 9:15 and I asked if he wanted to leave but he said, "It's over at 9:40? Why don't we just stay and watch the end of the game?" And I'm glad he did because the game got so much more exciting as it went on! There were kids of all ages on the ice and we saw some impressive saves by the goalie, some breakaway shots, and I'm pretty sure one player had a hat trick. (We did not throw our hats on the ice, that may not have gone over so well.) On the ride home, he was grateful for having learned about the Festival and was suddenly asking questions about the events for the remainder of the weekend. He is now very excited to attend the USA Warrior events on Saturday and during the ride home he was making a mental list of military friends he wants to invite. It was fun to see his reaction, which was much like my own, in questioning, "Why don't more people know about this? This is awesome! We should tell people!" Indeed we should. We will encourage everyone to come out and catch a game or an event or two in Laurel. And if they listen, they will thank us. Just as he thanked me, and I thanked Mark Miller. And when we're done, we will all thank the athletes and the family members who support them. For showing us the strength and fortitude of the human spirit.

USA hockey gold medal

The 2010 Paralympic Games have ended with a much sweeter outcome for USA hockey than we saw last month. Sled hockey, that is. Team USA didn't just win the gold medal at the Paralympic Games, they dominated every team. The games are set up tournament style, much like the Olympic Games. The U.S. beat Korea 5-0, Czech Republic 3-0, Japan 6-0, Norway 3-0 and Japan again 2-0 for the gold medal. (Japan beat Canada, which helped them advance to the gold medal game while team Canada played Norway for the bronze. Norway won, Canada did not medal in sled hockey.)

Team USA played five games and did not allow a single goal in the entire tournament. That is amazing. But that's just one of numerous amazing things I witnessed in the Paralympic coverage.

Every night last week at 11:00 p.m., I deprived myself of sleep to watch the Paralympic highlights. During this time, I watched amputees play hockey, I watched blind people ski down the hills in Whisler - slalom style. My jaw hung open, thoroughly impressed, as I watched a man with no arms cross-country ski. To my amazement, the event I was watching was not just cross-country skiing, it was Biathlon. He then proceeded to the shooting range, then got back up and finished his 12.5k cross-country ski. This was Josef Giesen from Germany, who went on to win the bronze medal.

Watching these athletes affected me very, very deeply. I enjoy watching sporting events and competitions, but the perseverance I saw in these athletes was awe-inspiring. Watching these people overcome the odds and achieve this level of competition is indescribable. You simply have to see it for yourself.

Therein lies the problem. NBC owns the rights to the 2010 Olympics and Paralympics, but they made the decision to show only the two hours of highlights on Universal Sports - a channel that most people don't have, or may not even know if they have it. Unless you go out of your way to seek out the Paralympic coverage, it is very easy to let the events just slip by you. I'm glad I did not let that happen, but I can't help but question who is making decisions for NBC. They decided not to show these games, but they had plenty of airtime for the Marriage Ref and other sub-par reality television.

It really perplexes me that there was so little broadcast coverage for the Paralympics. I understand that there is not an audience for them like there is for the Olympics, but there never will be if the public never has any exposure to them. It makes no sense. All of the tragic backstories of the athletes were dragged out and mentioned endlessly throughout the Olympic Games. The whole world wanted Joannie Rochette to win a medal for figure skating after her mother passed away. The suspense of whether or not Lindsay Vonn could compete with her shin injury was built up to a climactic and triumphant finish when she won the gold medal.

I don't wish to diminish the challenges the athletes faced, but I do wish to point out that perseverance and overcoming tragedy is a big theme every year in the Olympics. Yet the Paralympics, where every athlete who competes has already overcome odds, is not even mentioned in the mainstream. Du Haitao of China lost both of his arms playing with high-voltage electricity wires when he was four years old. Two of the four U.S. gold medals were won by Alana Nichols, the first woman to win gold medals at both the winter and summer Paralympic Games. I could go on and on, but I will spare you any additional rambling. I would simply like to argue that a double amputee does not compare with an injured shin on the tragedy scale.

Everyone in life feels discouraged at some point, and most of us have felt sorry for ourselves, feeling like the odds are against us at any given time. There is nowhere better than the Paralympics to truly witness the strength of the human spirit. If you ever find yourself feeling powerless and feeling sorry for yourself, watch a visually impaired person ski slalom down a hill. Or someone with no arms ski cross-country without poles. It will put things into perspective real quick. I hope the 2012 Summer Paralympics find a bigger audience. I also hope that the fact that Russia won more Paralympic medals than any other country helps ease the sting they felt at the Olympics. It's good to know that some Russian jobs are safe this time around.

If only I had become Mrs. Corey Feldman...

We live in a celebrity-obsessed culture. Magazines like US Weekly, Star, and OK! line the shelves with enticing photographs of famous and beautiful people, with hints that their lives may be even more miserable and complicated than our own. Perez Hilton and the hard-working folks at TMZ work tirelessly to keep us up to date on how truly screwed up the lives of celebrities are. Many people eat this stuff up and escape their own mundane day-to-day lives by immersing themselves in the glamorous and tragic lives of celebrities. I am not one of those people.

Most popular culture celebrity references go right over my head. Unless it's Kanye West on an awards show during a slow news week, I'm pretty oblivious to what's going on in the lives in the rich and famous. The reason I feel it is necessary to explain how removed I am from celebrities is because I'm inclined to do something that feels very out of character. It is one simple gesture, but maybe it could turn into a slippery slope toward obsessive fandom.

I read that Corey Haim's mother is seeking donations to help pay for his funeral expenses. I am usually pretty unaffected by celebrity deaths, but when Corey Haim passed away last week, I felt like a dark cloud was hovering over my childhood. My crush was actually on Corey Feldman, but the two Coreys came as a packaged set back in the 80s and early 90s. Posters of both Coreys lined my walls and I was determined to marry Corey Feldman and one of my classmates was going to marry Corey Haim and we were going to live happily ever after, right next door to one another. We had no doubts that as soon as the Coreys met us, they would realize that all of the beautiful celebrities they dated paled in comparison to the devotion of two Midwestern girls. Unfortunately, we had to find a way to meet them first. That was the biggest hurdle, I think. It never worked out.

It feels really silly, but I may have to make a donation to Corey Haim's memorial fund. It feels silly for a couple of reasons - one of which is that the amount of cash I could afford to donate would not buy much more than a floral arrangement. Also, I have no personal relationship with this person and the idea of giving money to a celebrity just feels... backward.

The request for donations went out on Friday, and since then I have read that they have had some support from the city of Toronto (where the funeral will be held) and a celebrity auction site is rumored to have offered a sizable donation to help pay funeral expenses. Still, something pulls at me to contribute a modest donation to this fund.

I watched the A&E reality TV show The Two Coreys in 2008 (the one reality TV show I actually watched) and I do believe the reports that Haim probably was broke when he died. I hardly recognized him as the fresh-faced kid from The Lost Boys whose photos lined my pre-teen bedroom walls. The show centered on the fractured relationship between Haim and Feldman. They both had conflicting chips on their respective shoulders. Feldman seemed to have his act together a bit better than Haim, although he should never ever ever write and perform another love song for his wife. Under no circumstances should another performance take place like the one I witnessed on that show. It was bad even by reality television standards.

Even still, knowing that my small donation will make little difference, knowing that it may not be as badly needed as originally thought, and knowing that there are many other charitable ways I could part with my money, I think I'm going to make a donation. I never knew him personally, and he never got to marry my friend, but watching his films and obsessing over the Coreys as a kid is a happy memory for me. The subsequent path he took through life toward self-indulgence and self-destruction is sad, and his untimely death is tragic, but my memory of his work and my absurd childhood obsession is a pleasant one. I'm not sure if it's rational, but it makes me feel a little bit better to be one of the many people who let his family and loved ones know that he made a positive impact in our life. Plus, maybe I also feel a little bit of regret. If my friend and I had just tried a little bit harder and been a little more proactive in our plan to marry the Coreys, his life would have been very different. If only he had married a younger, awkward, obsessed, Midwestern fan.

[update: 3/17/10. In case you're wondering, I ended up donating $25 to the Memorial Fund. It's not much, but it's at least one dollar for every Corey poster to ever hang on my walls.]